Social Adventures – Boy Is A Bottom Edition

After the success of Typical Tuesday and A Night at the Comedy Store, I am soldiering on in the quest to regain some sort of social life with amusing adventures and entertaining new people.

Friday night.  It’s so much pressure right?  It’s the weekend.  People who have normal jobs and real lives work hard and then get to the weekend and play hard.  There will always be some sort of expectation when it comes to being single on a Friday night that you be able to answer the “what are you doing tonight?” judgy question with some kind of truly awesome answer.

There I was, Friday night, 8 p.m. and no real ideas.  I thought, well, I’ve been out twice this week, I don’t HAVE to do something.  So I wasted more than a little time on Twitter (@ActuallyEmerson – but be forewarned…my throw-spaghetti-at-the-wall-and-see-what-sticks tweets are definitely from the the more offensive part of my humor at times) when I saw a tweet from drag entertainer/new-gay-icon, and Sissies castmate, Willam, that he would be performing his new YouTube parody sensation at Hamburger Mary’s with his co-stars Vicky Vox and Detox.  If you have not seen the video – it is a parody of Alicia Keys “Girl On Fire” – you should stop reading, click this link and watch it: Boy Is A Bottom I’ve already heard it as a ringtone sitting at the big gay Starbucks.  And Sally Jessy Raphael loved it, so obviously you will too.

Okay, assuming you’ve done that, or have already seen it, you understand why it motivated me to pull myself arguably together and head solo to Hamburger Mary’s to be entertained.  Yes, still doing it – hitting the town by myself.  No, it does not count that Willam is going to be there.  He’s in the show, I did not tell him I was coming, he’s in work mode (being a gay icon is probably hard work), and he has nicknamed me “Producer Coinslot.”  I’m definitely not explaining that.  So, it’s not like we’re meeting up to hit the town together.

I arrived at Hamburger Mary’s (after finding a princess parking space at a meter right out front) and hit the bathroom.  This is a technique I regularly use in order to get the lay of the land without having to awkwardly stand in the doorway with that face that says, “I’m looking for someone, I’m looking for someone, I don’t see them…but I’m still looking for someone…” to avoid the overhead thought bubble of “Yes, I’m by myself, no, I have no idea where to stand…STOP STARING AT ME AND JUDGING!”  The gays do that, you know it’s true.

So, I scanned the room and moved with purpose toward the bathroom.  Waiting in line, I heard Willam cackling from overhead, the dressing room being upstairs.  Then I moved to a small open spot at the end of the bar, yay for being weirdly skinny, ordered my Dr. Pepper (they serve it at Hamburger Mary’s, a rarity in Los Angeles restaurants, and 50% of the reason I was willing to go) and turned to wait for the show.  Moments later, my buddy Mason came up with his friend Matt and the solo part of the adventure came to an end.  Seats at the bar – check, Dr. Pepper (after a good bit of grumbling from the bartender) – check, waiting for drag show to start late – check.

The show started.  It was fantastic.  I’d never seen Detox perform in person, but she is already one of the breakout stars of RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 5, currently airing on LOGO, and she was hella-fantastic as the hostess and a truly great performer.  One of the more entertaining portions of the evening was the catty banter between Willam onstage and Detox as host trying to run the show – as they are clearly close friends and enjoy harassing each other.

I’ll admit, as much as I love drag shows, theirs a tiny part of me that is still always mildly terrified when they start walking in my direction with the mic.  Because no matter what you do or say, they win.  With whatever they want.  So I hold my dollars out and smile and breathe a little easier when they pass so I can just keep watching the show.

Willam performed his Chik-Fil-A song as well.  Full on eating waffle fries while half-singing his way through the parody.  She’s definitely entertaining as a performer because she sings live, but only about half of each song as she’s busy making jokes and cracks through the rest of it.  It becomes even more amusing because the jokes are smarter than about 90% of the people at the show, but she clearly amuses herself, and that amuses absolutely everyone watching.

The main event.  Boy Is A Bottom is four days old and they’re going to do the number.  Except…Vicky Vox is not actually there.  (Via her tweets I know she was stuck in a Denver airport for six hours and then worried her plane was going to fall out of the sky.)  But apparently Willam and Detox have a plan.

And, so they do.  Right before the number, Willam and Detox come out into the mainroom, in the purple sequined dresses and wigs from the video, carrying one of the largest teddy bears I have ever seen.  Said teddy bear is wearing a dress that matches theirs and a red wig.  They unceremoniously proceed to drop the bear center stage and announce “That’s Vicky.  Hit it.”  And the music starts.   It was so many different kinds of wrong, and the place went a little batshit over it.

Now, I’m not one to shit-stir (okay, that might be a lie), but it’s possible that I took a photo as they started and tweeted it to Vicky, unsure whether she was aware exactly how she was being represented, with the caption “Um, watching this happen right now. Not. Okay.” Annnnnd, send.

Willam’s final number – I don’t really remember what the song was or what it was from – something about addiction.  I think.  Because during it, she proceeded to pull out poppers and do them onstage, then she handed them to some girl who did them as well (if you don’t know what poppers are, this is not the time or place to explain them.  They help some people have the gay sex.  That’s all you’re getting.)  Then she pulled out a joint and lit it, while continuing to sing.  For the grand finale, of what I’m sure were thematically-related actions, she pulled out a full bottle of Robitussin and drank it.  The entire thing.  With sticky strings of purple fluid on her chin serving as proof that it was not just filled with water for show.  At the end of the number she posited, “I wonder what that’s going to do to me?” But did not seem all that worried.

So, Boy Is A Bottom was a huge hit, Willam, Detox and Calpernia Adams and Wendy Ho were all fantastic, it was a hot show across the board.  Post-show, Mason and Matt decide that we should get our picture taken with “Vicky.”  So we did.

Boy Is A Bottom

The night being young, we ventured on to Revolver – in for a penny and all that.  The most entertaining moment at Revolver was as I exited the restroom, I see a gogo boy air-thrusting at my backside in the mirror for his fellow dancer’s amusement.  As I turned and caught him, he stopped  and then suddenly grabbed my arm as I started up the stairs.  “Oh my god,” he gay gasped, “You were amazing in Southern Baptist Sissies!  I loved it so much.”  “Thanks,” I nodded, “that’s no reason to stop your thrusting though.”

General revelry continued, massive amounts of homos continued to accost Willam to rave about the video.  More than several easily admitted, “OMG, that’s totally about me.”  And you could tell.  It definitely was.

Sometime late in the night, Vicky finally saw the photo I tweeted of “Vicky” performing.  Her reaction was the cherry on a rather kick-ass Friday night out.  And good times were had by all!  Well, except “Vicky.” Who ended up in the trunk of someone’s car.

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