Buzzfeed has changed the way all of us look at lists. No longer do lists come in nice round numbers like a top ten, or the hundred best – no, lists can be of 37 things or 49 things or 17 ½ things with a bonus. Buzzfeed listicles permeate our very existence now providing us with lists from the important to the inane to remind us how many things there can be lists of that we did not know that we absolutely needed to know (because we do.) Here is our tribute to Buzzfeed for taking away so many productive hours from our lives, and we thank them for it.
1) Recreate the Hear No Evil, See No Evil, Speak No Evil Pose
Yes, it was originally done by monkeys. But we read somewhere we are 98% the same as monkeys anyway. We’re not sure where we read it, but it was probably on a Buzzfeed list.
They have to open up again eventually.
It’s important to never forget that hard-to-tan spot under your chin. This system was good enough for Magda in There’s Something About Mary; it’s good enough for us too.
They make you look smart. Everyone knows that. And besides, we have it on good authority that 73% of the great minds that work at Buzzfeed wear them. So there.
Who needs a sportsball match or truck? You can tailgate with any car trunk. Don’t let drunk southern sporstball afficiandos tell you differently.
So everyone else knows it really happened.
So it looks cooler and you get a second Instagram moment out of it and advertise your great eye as a photographer.
Because the selfie is the epitome of new media art. It is post-modern and self-referential so we must all continue to attempt to take a selfie better than the Oscar selfie (which still seems like cheating, Ellen).
Shia LeBeouf removed the stigma from putting a brown bag over someone’s head that frat boys created so long ago. We honor him for that. And hope it gets us cast in an Indiana Jones movie. Or at least a music video with full frontal. Disclaimer – Shia, this is not plagiarism, it is tribute.
Because we all know that the perfect hashtag might not change the world, but it might actually draw dialogue and attention to an issue that truly needs awareness. And you can wear sweat pants while you do it. #StillOnTheCouch #Blessed #FullSentenceHashtagsAreStillFunny #THEYTOTALLYARE
Because all the cool people have been arrested once for something and with jail overcrowding you would probably just get morgue probation with a Disney star in their “STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO” identity crisis phase.
Because the wrong purse ruins an outfit, and some people cannot be trusted with fashion choices. And Tyra taught us that the broken doll pose ALWAYS WORKS.
A fabulous coat, a glass of wine and a cellphone are all you need to basically run the world. This we learned from the almighty Shonda Rhimes. We’ll never be Kerry Washington, and when that makes us sad – there’s still the wine!
WHAT?! IT TOTALLY IS!!!! We Will NEVER let go!
But ya know…Always be prepared. (You have seventy-two hours, which is nice, because sometimes you’re still drunk the next morning and he doesn’t seem like a horrible Coyote Ugly mistake until the next, next morning.) #TheMoreYouKnow
Action shots always look terrible. No one looks good laughing, except for maybe one half-second and no one ever takes the picture in that perfect moment. Don’t embarrass your friends by taking awful pictures of them laughing. This shot is completely fake and frozen. Friends don’t let friends take candids.
Los Angeles has entirely too many establishments that do not have public restrooms. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. Or invest in those adult diapers that worked for Lisa Nowak, the astronaut kidnapper. Or some of those Whoopi Goldberg pee pads in those commercials we always fast forward through.
Planking seems really easy though, so we’re not sure what all the fuss was about in the first place.
Every year animal prints run the risk of going out of style. We cannot just leave it up to the ladies of the Real Housewives of Everywhere to keep them in style. It takes vigilance from all of us.
Because if you want to be an air traffic controller, being a volunteer ground traffic controller seems like the legit unpaid-intern-doing-it-for-experience version of that.
Because Oprah had one. What other reason could you possibly need?
The thing is…these “book” things seem like a serious commitment. Do you have any idea how many tweets it would take to equal a book? (To that one person that counted up the number of characters in a book and divided it by 140 to tell us – go outside, make a friend, wash your hair.)
Because jaywalking is totally fun. And we’re bringing skipping back.
There is no better place on earth to enjoy the wealth of knowledge in a Buzzfeed list than standing in front of Buzzfeed. It is the new media Mecca and we have reached the end of our social media hajj. It’s all downhill from here, folks.
**BONUS – OR, just skip it all and go for Mexican across the street!
You can stalk us. If you want. But don’t make it weird. It’s totally the kind of thing we would (and do) do though. Make it weird, we mean.
Emerson Collins: @actuallyemerson IG: emersoncollins
Stacey Oristano: @staceyoristano IG: staceyoristano
Blake McIver: @blakemciver IG: blakemciver
Guest star: Josh Crotty: @joshcrotty45